Sitka -- As much as the Big Fat Babies love their adoring fans, the group has regrettably been forced to post a "No Solicitors" sign on the door of the group's Marine Street headquarters.
   "With the steady stream of romance-seeking, beautiful young women and other well-
intentioned music lovers coming to our door, we had had almost no time for ourselves anymore," a haggard looking Andrew Miller told the media this morning. "We hope the fans understand, we are only doing this because we love them."

   Less than a week after leaving The Big Fat Babies "to finish law school," Kim has reportedly accepted a position as the new tambourine player for the band Pearl Jam.  In a statement, Babies' chief legal counsel Andrew Miller said he was not as hurt that Kim left BFB for another band as he was surprised that Pearl Jam still existed at all. "Pearl Jam used to have some amazing tambourine songs, so I'm not surprised Kim would want to play with them," Miller said. "Someday she'll be able to tell people she was in Pearl Jam, and they'll never suspect it was in 2011."

   Although no clear winner emerged from Friday's battle of the bands between The Big Fat Babies and The Glorious Youth Parade, The Babies did reassert their dominance in rock-paper-scissors.  BFB singer Andrew Miller defeated Jude Pate of GYP by a score of 2-0 in the best-of-three competition.  

   Google Analytics reports www.thebigfatbabies.com now has readers in 22 of the Lower 48 states, which is little surprise given new poll results showing The Big Fat Babies to be Alaska's third favorite export.  The Babies trailed only King Salmon and Coho Salmon in the poll, and out-ranked perennial favorites North  Slope Crude (4) and Todd Palin (5) by a wide margin.  The poll, conducted by www.thegloriousyouthparade.weebly.com, had some surprises.  Notably, Halibut (6) topped singer/poet Jewel (7) for the first time, and Timber came in a disappointing 8th.  Also in a change from last year, neither Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, nor Levi Johnston cracked the top 10.

  To the surprise of the Big Fat Babies, parents of fat babies are apparently not only proud of having fat little children, but many want their children to be pictured on this website.
   www.thebigfatbabies.com has had a policy of featuring only  pictures of children whose parents were completely unaware of the publication.  This is because the Babies assumed no parent would possibly want their child associated with such a vulgar and notorious punk rock band.  Things recently changed when one angry mother left what was possibly an alcohol induced phone message on the voice mail of Babies chief legal counsel Andrew Miller.  The mother said it was a disgrace that skinny babies were being pictured here, and she said she had a very fat baby who was more deserving of our attention.  Point taken.

   A noted scholar on the subject has used the results of a recent web survey on www.thebigfatbabies.com to advance his thesis that drunk, vulgar and abusive is the new cute in baby behavior.
   "Kim" was the overall top response to a survey question asking "who was the cutest Baby as a baby?" Given that Kim did not exhibit any of the traditional attributes of cuteness as a baby, the Babies feared perhaps their site had been hacked when they saw early survey results.  In fact, the site was not hacked.  Kim just happened to be a particularly loud, drunk and pushy baby. Alternatively, Richard, Ernie, and Andrew, who fared poorly in the survey, were unusually cuddly as babies.  

   The Big Fat Babies will soon be holding auditions for a new tambourine player.  This position is not open to men.
   The ideal candidate will be blond and between the ages of 24 and 28 with at least one year of graduate school completed.  Classical training is encouraged but not necessary.

   The Big Fat Babies have instructed chief legal counsel Andrew Miller to enter negotiations with television host David M. Letterman regarding a possible appearance by the Babies on Letterman's struggling "Late Show" program.  Reached today, Miller explained that he was using unpopular Sitka band the Glorious Youth Parade as a bargaining piece in the negotiations.
   "Our position is that Letterman would not only get the Big Fat Babies on his show, but we would make arrangements to get GYP to play on one of his competitor's programs," Miller said. "We believe Jude Pate's singing is just so bad that if he were to perform on Leno's show even once, he would most likely deliver an unrecoverable blow to the entire NBC network."

    The Big Fat Babies have named Juanita's Tortilla Chips, a product of Juanita's Fine Foods, the official tortilla chip of the Big Fat Babies. 
    As the official band of Juanita's Tortilla Chips, the Big Fat Babies will be serving Juanita's at an upcoming gig.  More importantly, the Babies also will be making sure Jude Pate does not lay a single slimy finger on a delicious Juanita's chip this summer, as such behavior would destroy Juanita's reputation.

   SITKA -- Phil Burdick, bass player in Sitka's fifth or sixth favorite punk rock band, the Glorious Youth Parade, made a futile attempt today to defuse tensions in the band war that has rocked this ordinarily serene island community, when he offered the use of his snare drum to the Big Fat Babies for their evening rehearsal. 
   The Babies accepted the drum, but were unwilling to discuss the possibility that Burdick's generosity was a sign of detente.
   "Phil Burdick is an outstanding father and reasonably talented bass player, but we can not trust a man so closely associated to Jude Pate," the Babies said in a statement.

   The Big Fat Babies announced Sunday that Zuill Bailey, who is widely considered one of the finest cellist in the world by the website zuillbailey.com, will not be allowed to join the band.  Bailey joins a growing list of notable Sitka musicians to be excluded from the group, including Gary Gouker and Jude Pate.  Of course, many locals have strong doubts whether Pate is actually notable.  

View more videos on our Music Videos page or check us out on Youtube.

Where should the Babies play their next gig?
The Moose -- 36%
The Book Store -- 32%
Dairy Queen -- 18%
The Legion -- 14%

What is the best new slogan for The Big Fat Babies?
America's most beautiful band from America's most beautiful place -- 26%
The band whose website is better than its music -- 39%
The  band for people who need a lot of attention -- 35%

Which Big Fat Babies Groupie would you most like to have a beer with?
Flick RedBeard -- 59 percent
Jude Pate -- 31 percent

Who should play Jude Pate in "Sitka the Movie" as directed by the Cohen Brothers?
Steve Buscemi -- 33.33 percent
William H. Macy -- 33.33 percent
Jeff Bridges -- 33.33 percent
Snoop Dogg -- one write-in vote

Who was the cutest Baby as a baby?
Kim -- 62.5 percent
John -- 18.75 percent
Lauren -- 12.5 percent
Andrew -- 6.25 percent
Ernie -- none
Richard -- none

If the Big Fat Babies were a Starbucks drink, they would be...
Iced White Chocolate Mocha -- 43.75 percent
Skinny Carmel Macchio -- 31.25 percent
Cinnamon Dulce Latte -- 25 percent

Would you still go to a Big Fat Babies show even if you know they weren't going to play "Midnight Hot Tub Party?"
Absolutely -- 80 percent
Of course, that song is overrated -- 20 percent

Glorious Youth Parade shows are ..."
I don't know, I would never go -- 85 percent
Prefer not stay -- 15 percent
B-O-R-I-N-G -- 0 percent

Help us finish the line to a new Big Fat Babies song. "Walter, you could have been a .... dog."
Rescue -- 60 percent
Seeing Eye -- 30 percent
Hot -- 10 percent

How often do you listen to the Glorious Youth Parade?
Once, and that was enough -- 63 percent
Who are they? -- 37 percent
Never -- None

What is your favorite song by the Big Fat Babies
Twelve Hundred Lovers -- 50 percent
Midnight Hot Tub Party -- 37 percent
I was "Air Quotes" Dating a Spirodonosaurus -- 13 percent

   The Big Fat Babies are grateful for the babies who agreed to let us put their pictures on this website.  We are also grateful for their parents, who took the photos and have rather cute children.
Babies pictured on this site are
    Hazel Marias Leichty
    Cedar Coleman-Starbuck
    Corbin Steik
    Braylana Eve Singh

Praise can be directed to thebigfatbabies@gmail.com.